Jenn Powazek

The missing posts...

Everyone has been asking why I haven't posted in ages. Well, the truth is that I have but Blogger wouldn't publish them to my site... so, here are the past posts.

December 21 9:46:14 AM
Happy Birthday to my new friend Keith. I am not sure when you will see this since my posts aren't showing up.... but I do hope you have an amazing day and have a blast tonight at the Paul Oakenfeld concert!

December 20 7:59:11 AM
I haven't posted anything in a while because for some reason, my blogs for December are not showing up. Derek said he's working on it. It's so frustrating to look at my site and see my last posting on November 27. That sucks..... ah well.. hopefully all will be resolved soon.

Jon and I saw Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers, last night. It was SO AMAZING. I couldn't believe that it was three hours long. It totally kept my attention the entire time. Man, those actors are so talented..... and all of the environments are absolutely beautiful and striking. I thought they did an incredible job both behind the scenes and in the movie itself.

December 13 8:02:27 AM
(this was supposed to post yesterday but blogger was having some issues)

Yesterday, I took the day off of work and went to an audition. I know.... can you believe it? My friend Eli, wrote a show called I Sing. I saw it in New York and really liked it. We've been in touch since he's been in California and let me know that they were going to do the show in Santa Monica. I told him I'd like to audition. Next thing I know, I get a call from the casting agency on Tuesday asking me to come in tomorrow! I was like, holy shit. So, I prepared all night, one uptempo and one ballad, which is what they asked for. And, I took the whole day off so I could go to the gym in the morning and warm up before my call time, 1:15.

I got to the theatre, was totally confident about my songs and my outfit. They called me in shortly after 1:15... around 1:20. I chatted with all of them a little bit. It turns out the Casting director wrote the song "All the Good Men are Gay" from the Gay 90's, which I did years ago. So, that was a pretty cool connection to make. I sang my ballad, "I'm Not Afraid" from Songs for a New World. And, I really must say Thank You Tim! My voice teacher in New York. He worked that song into my voice for months in New York and it all was retained! I felt so good about it. I even recorded it. I had a little tape recorder in my bag. I always do that so I can listen to it afterwards and really listen to see how well I did. And I must say, after listening to the tape later in the car, I sounded GREAT! Acting wise, I think it went really well too. Jon really worked with me on the acting part of it.

So, they didn't ask to hear my uptempo..... nor did they ask me to stay. Hmmmm... not sure what they were thinking really. They were all smiles but you never know what that means... it could just be gas or something. When I was done singing, they were all kind of staring at me... so, I asked if they wanted to hear my uptempo? And they said, No, that they were good.... I picked up my shit and started walking to the door.

I heard "Jenn!" Eli whispered my name, I turned around and he gave me a thumbs up and said "That was awesome!". I said "thanks" and walked out the door.

I went home, feeling empty... unfulfilled... uncertain... fat..... ugly... all of the insecurities came back. It made me remember just how I felt in New York. I remember all those feelings of not knowing and emptiness. For so long, I thought it was just because Jon was so far away.... but after last night, I realized that it was all of the auditioning. It was putting myself out there and that moment of taking the stage... showing them what I was made of and how talented I was... and then not knowing ANYTHING. Leaving there feeling like a whore who just put out and then had to leave. Seriously. I felt so yucky.

I got home and quickly jumped out of my clothes that I had at one point felt confident and sexy in, put on my pajamas, and got in bed. After a half hour of sulking and thinking, I put on my work out clothes and headed back to the gym. I thought running another 2 1/2 miles might feel really good.... which it did.

When I got home, I put my pj's back on and waited for Jon to get home. I totally needed a hug. He got home shortly after I did and had stopped at Togo's and got me a turkey sandwich! YAY. I talked with him a while about it all. I really have nothing to be sad about. I have a good paying job... I don't need this show to pay my rent.... and I had hardly anything invested in this. I simply found out about it the night before and decided to go in.

So, today... washing the slate. Knowing in my heart that I did the best job I could do.... and as Bernadette Peters said in Sunday in the Park with George, "Just keep moving on!"

December 7 3:43:53 PM
Wow.... someone signed my guestbook, but didn't leave their name. I'm assuming it is someone I went to High School with because they spoke of this other girl we went to school with who was convicted of killing her husband, Kristin Rossum. I must have been sleeping under a rock when that first came out because I had NO idea about it. I took ballet class with Kristin in High School. I remember her being an incredible ballerina, very bright, and very quiet. I can't believe all of the stuff I am reading about the trial. So, does anyone know where she is now? I'm assuming she is in jail for a long time. What a shock!

Tonight- going to a Sales Holiday party tonight. Should be fun. Jon is in Sacramento this weekend visiting his best friend, so I've got the place to myself! ohhh-la-la. I just got two new books so I may curl up on the couch, read and relax this weekend. Sounds good to me!

December 1 8:48:42 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to JENN!! Happy 23rd birthday. I hope this year is absolutely amazing for you! Thinking lots of good thoughts for you.

Posted by Jenny at December 26, 2002 09:04 AM