Ok, the sheet music is being faxed to me today. If you were one of the five that wanted it, send me an email with your fax number or address and I will send it to you. There is no fee for this service.... breeding good karma!
:o) Jenn
I'm taking some time off from this site.
I feel like I'm going through so much that I shouldn't be taking my anger out here... publically. It isn't a good reflection of me and I don't want to hurt anyone with what I write. I think a lot of what I'm writing should be kept in my journal next to my bed and not advertised to the world. I go through these crazy emotions... post them... and then look back and read it and go... ouch.
So, I'm going to work some shit out... on my own.
I will be back.... I promise.
Till then, take it easy.
Jenn
I keep thinking about this girl that he "hooked up with". I know it's a total waste of mental power and energy... but I can't help thinking was it someone I know? Was it someone that we had over to the house? Was it someone that was waiting in the wings... ready to pounce as soon as I was out of the picture? Someone who he already had some sort of emotional relationship with which led to our break up? Or was it just some whore he met at a bar? Did they just make out .... or was it way more than that?
I need to just let it go. It's none of my business... and I don't think I'd feel better if I did know. But for some reason, my mind keeps going back there.
We're broken up... he can do whatever or whoever he wants to. I shouldn't care. I can't care anymore... I guess that will just take some time. For now, deep breaths....
I just got back from my jazz class. We are doing this combination to a song called, "When You Really Love Someone" by Alicia Keys. It is pretty powerful... and meaningful at this time. I had a really great class .... kicked some ass.
So, afterwards, I went up to Joey to talk to him about rehearsals for this show we are supposed to be doing on February 29. I figured we should be rehearsing soon. He says the rehearsal is Saturday from 3-6. I know I have a bar mitzvah to go to on Saturday... couldn't remember what time though so I said I could not make that. He said "well then, you can't be in the show".
I laughed... and said "yeah right".
And he said "no I'm serious. You have to be there."
"well, I can't. I have a family event that has been planned for the last three months!"
Then he gave me more shit and said that he had told me last week that rehearsals would be on saturdays. I told him normally Saturdays are ok but this one has been planned for a while now. At that point I was totally pissed. How dare he? You know, that is why I hated the business. They expect you to fuckin drop everything for a rehearsal or a call back. Well, I'm sorry... but my life continues. And if I can't do your stupid show, then your loss.
I ended up telling him that if I can't do the show because I can't be there this Saturday that is fine. And I walked away to get my shit. He said he'd call me and we could talk about it.
I can't believe this... my one outlet and it is falling apart too.
I think I walked in the middle of some other drama he was having. I think other people were telling him they couldn't make it either so he was overwhelmed and took it out on me. If he calls me, I'm going to tell him I don't appreciate being treated that way. If I'm going to perform in some show that won't pay me, my time is valuable and that should be respected. Bullshit. Like I am just going to leave my calendar open for when he calls rehearsals. Please....
ugh... how about something good happening? Bad things happen in three's right? I guess I have one more thing to come.... goodie.
After watching American Idol and calling four different friends to come over and hang out with me, I went outside to sit.... and talk through my plan. The plan is to be positive... after all, everything happens for a reason. No need to be down... this is what I would expect from him. I would expect for him to be selfish and not care about my feelings... to pretend it isn't a big deal. And honestly, it shouldn't be a big deal. We are broken up. He can do whatever he wants. I was just upset with his reaction to my reaction.
Anyway, as I'm sitting there, my neighbor across the way, comes outside. His name is Rod. He is australian and married to a woman who grew up in Claremont. Small world. He previously helped me take the boxes of new furniture upstairs that I bought from Ikea. That's when we were introduced. He saw me struggling and came over to help. He is a guitar player and photographer... and teaches out of his home.
He was outside on his porch... said hello. I instantly stopped talking to myself and said hello. We chatted a bit about how we were doing.. how the day was, etc. He asked me again about being a singer (which I think I told him when he told me he played guitar). I told him about NY and musicals.... and how I dance, etc. He told me how he has been working on recording a cd of his own music. He quickly invited me over to listen to my cd and for me to listen to his cd.
SURE! I said...
So, I spent a half hour with Rod while he listened to my song... and I listened to his four songs. He has sort of an Eagles/Fleetwood Mac edge. Very cool music. We chatted about music and inspiration and how we should jam sometime. He sensed I was upset about something and told me he hoped my week got better. I didn't tell him anything... he was just observant.
When I was walking back, he thanked me for sharing... I thanked him for sharing. He told me to come over anytime and to leave him my phone number so he could leave funny messages on my machine to make me laugh.
For a few minutes, I totally forgot about the recent events from the day. That was a really great vacation from the shit in my head.
And now, I'm thanking G-d (and Dr. Tint) for Prevacid and praying I will get some sleep.
I can't be friends with you....
not now....
it's too soon.
It was exactly one month ago today that I moved out of our place and into my own place. Only a month ago.
I can't see that you got a new haircut and not say it looks cute...
I can't watch you go home sick and not call to see if you are ok...
and I can't see a hickey on your neck and not feel hurt.
I know we are broken up...
and if I'm being a "fuckin baby" by being upset about it, so be it.
I had such a great weekend. It was totally filled with friends, family, and lots of TLC. It made me very thankful for where I am in my life and for the amazing people who continually support me and make me laugh. And, the weather was just gorgeous. I walked around Huntington Beach by myself Saturday afternoon and I was just amazed at how beautiful it was out. It made me want to live down by the beach! Of course, I still get down occassionally... but who doesn't? I figure that is what we call "normal".
I bought myself a present on Friday before heading down to the beach. I got thee coolest digital camera. I was going to wait until the end of the month to buy it but I just couldn't help myself. I got the canon powershot s400. It is so great... and it captured some awesome moments this weekend. I was so excited to come home and plug it into my mac and download the pictures. Now all I need to do is get internet here at home so I can email the pictures and get a cable to plug in the printer so I can print them out. There is always something more to do! So stoked.
And tonight, the first episode of American Idol. YAY! I love that show. Especially the auditions. I've been through more than enough auditions and can totally relate to getting up there and having to sing or dance by yourself. It is stressful... and even more stressful being on camera! I'm looking forward to laughing my ASS off!
Although I had a fantastic weekend, I can't wait to sleep in my own bed! :)
For all of you that have emailed me wanting the sheet music to "All the Good Men are Gay", I am in the process of getting it. I called one of the composers this evening and spoke with his secretary. He is out of town until Monday but said she would pass on the message and he probably would be able to fax it to me at the beginning of next week. She said he has received numerous calls this week asking for that song. How strange, right? What's the dealio? Why is everyone looking for that song now? Man, I wish I could find my book of sheet music from Gay 90's.
Hopefully I will have it soon! I'll keep you posted.
Not really going to go into huge details but some events have happened this last week that have clarified things for me. I got some insight into what I want. Of course, I can't say that everything is pefectly clear.... but it is going from a totally blurry mess of utter confusion and sadness into a sea of clouds... with moments of blue sky and strength and independence. Hallelujah, right?
*deep breath*
So, my new bed is being delivered tomorrow! Check it out. I'm going to work from 7-12 and then come home for lunch and wait for the delivery. I can't wait. It's going to look so good in my room.
Tonight, I kicked ass at my jazz class. Yeah, that's right. I said kicked ass! It was really awesome.... relieved some creative energy. Then, made some awesome chicken.... and ate it! Now, watching Cold Case. If you haven't seen it, you are totally missing out. It's a great show! Falls in the same category with Law and Order.
Later..... bath, read (the alchemist of course), and then sleepy time.
P.S. I ordered The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and Kabalistic Healing. They are on their way. Thank you for the suggestions. If you have any others, feel free to shoot me an email.
In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens. G-d has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left for you.
~The Alchemist
Breakfast: coffee
Lunch: a vanilla ultimate blended from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf (thanks Jeff!)
snack: peanut butter and honey sandwich on crustless bread
Dinner: three chicken strips from Wendy's
What is up with my stomach? Seriously. I can't wait to see the doctor on the 19th. Something ain't right. Not only am I not hungry... but everytime I eat, I have thee worst stomach cramps. I'm not feeling too stressed out or anything so I don't think it's from that. Maybe I have a little stomach bug. Drats. Or maybe my body is freaking out from the three days of sales summit insanity. Either way, I have to go back to work tomorrow. POO!
I've started reading The Alchemist again. It is my favorite book of all time.... I've read it at least five times already, but in different stages of my life. Now seems like an appropriate time to reread it. If you hadn't read it.... or any of Paulo Coelho's books, shame on you! All of his books are absolutely amazing. Go read them! And then let me know your thoughts. I would love to talk about it.
Can you believe it was 77 degrees yesterday here? Absolutely gorgeous. I just watched the news and it is going to be in the upper 70's all week! Man, I love living in southern California.
Today is my dad's birthday.... he is turning 35! hee hee hee... not really, but I don't think he would appreciate his age posted on my web site. He and my step-mom and brother Jon and Laura showed up at my new place to check it out and have some wine. I made this baked brie thing with cranberries and apricots... with crackers. YUM. And, also some homemade bruschetta. I munched on that so I wasn't even hungry for dinner! We went to a place called Bona Corso's here in Pasadena. The food there is amazing. Too bad I wasn't hungry for anything. I just had a bowl of soup.
It was nice to spend my dad's birthday with him. He is such a wonderful man.
Now, just chillin out.... relaxing. I spent the whole day running errands, putting together new stuff I got from IKEA, and cleaning the house. I was barely done by the time they showed up. Thank goodness the munchies I made didn't take too long to bake!
I am so pooped from the last few days. I ended up going straight to work when the conference was over Friday. My boss, Jim, took me and my co-worker Jennifer out to lunch around 1:00... so I got back to the office about 2:30. I worked until 6:00! What a long day. I fell asleep on the couch for an hour or so and then was online until midnight chatting with my friends Ryan and Danny. Man, I was peeing in my pants laughing so hard. We were reminiscing all about college. Ryan, Danny, and I were like the Three Muskateers for two years. We spent every moment together .... and there were some crazy moments! It was so fun to catch up with them like that.
I think I'm going to take a bath and then go to bed early! :o)
I just got back from the sales conference.... seriously. It is 3:35 in the AM. We had meetings all frickin day from 8-6 at the Ritz in Pasadena. Man, is it beautiful. Then we had an hour break to go either back to your hotel room or home. I didn't get a hotel room because I live like 10 blocks away. Only those who lived like 20 miles away got rooms. How lame is that? They are basically asking us to drink and drive (which I don't do of course).
So, back at the Ritz at 7:00 PM for cocktails... then into the Murder Mystery. I've never been to one before so I had no idea what to expect. I just knew I had assigned seating and had to watch performers do skits and figure out who murdered who and why. Whatever- it was totally fun. Those sitting at my table were awesome and we really bonded. We almost won! We got almost everything right except one part. Bummer..... but the food was great and the company was awesome and the show was pretty funny.
After that, we went to another bar in the hotel (after already having two drinks). There was this amazing blues band playing and this woman singing the blues who must have been in her 60's or so. She was incredible. We all sat there grooving and listening to her amazing voice.... and drinking. At that point I was pretty tipsy... and they invited my friend Karen and I up on the stage to sing with the band. No idea what they were going to play.... we were just going to sing and riff some bluesy shit out. So frickin cool. We kicked some serious ass. It was so great because no one I work with knows that side of me. Totally different. I had MANY people coming up and complimenting me all night. Very cool.
At around one, we decided to hit the jacuzzi. I didn't have any bathing suit with me but figured my bra was full coverage.... and one of the guys had an extra pair of boxers. At that point, I really couldn't care less. We ended up in the spa.... me, Karen, and Wenzell. Everyone else was supposed to join us but didn't make it before the security guys kicked us out! :) ha ha ha. From there, we went back to Karen's room to chill out and dry off.
When I went to return Wenzell's wet boxers, we ran into my boss, Jim from Chicago and a couple other high level guys, playing poker for real money and drinking in the lobby. We sat with them and talked for a good 45 minutes.
I suddenly knew I either was going to sleep in Karen's room, or drive the 10 blocks home. I decided to go home. I was tired and was craving my own bed! I took Karen's number and said I would call as soon as I got home so she knew I was ok. It took me three minutes to get home safely. I called Karen.... ran up the stairs.... grabbed a bottle of water and some pepper jack cheese and triscuits (because I'm totally hungry and dehydrated)... logged on to write this... and now, going to bed. I have to be up for the last day of the sales conference 3 1/2 hours. YAY!!!
Last night, I was at the Ritz until 12:30 AM dancing my buns off with all of the international sales folks. That was a blast.
What an amazing night this was. I've never felt so free. *smile*
I have a sales conference beginning tomorrow morning at the Ritz Carlton here in Pasadena. I will be sooo busy from morning until night with lectures and group discussions and lunches and dinners and clubbing after hours. The next three days will be super crazy.
So, tonight I just chilled out.... did some laundry... and took a little snooze. I planned on going to the gym but I'm already kind of sore from last night's class. And, I thought I'd conserve energy for the next few days. That makes sense, right? *smile*
Oh, I did take the keys back to the landlord of the old place. I went to the old place for one last look before turning them in. It looked so empty. Kind of bummed me out.... it reminded me of the first time we looked at it together. We were so excited about the possibilities. They seemed endless at the time. I didn't stay long. I just kind of walked around.... making sure everything was clean. When I walked out the door, I walked down the stairs and didn't look back. I sure wanted to though....
I hope all of you are having an incredible first 6 days of 2004. So far so good.
Today was a pretty good day. I tried to stay positive all day.... and... it worked. I had lots of energy, got a lot of work done, and even went to my Afro Latino Groove class tonight! Cool beans. It felt so good to dance. I even wanted to take another class afterwards... but that was the last class of the evening. Getting the heart rate up really boosts the endorphins and gets ya feeling good. I need to remember this feeling. Every day like this would be awesome. *smile*
I watched 7th Heaven tonight... it was so lame. Sometimes, that show can be very touching.... but tonight, it was SO dumb.
Tomorrow, more work... and then turning the keys to the old place in to the landlord. Finito..... closure.....sort of.
Off to bed... g'night.
I was hoping there would be a Powazek wedding in 2004.....
of course, the wish was for me....
but I am so excited for them!
Congratulations! I am truly happy for both of you.
2004.... wow. I can't believe it. I rang in the new year with my friend Ryan. He is a producer so we went to this recording industry party for the label MIG. Ryan is producing a group called Fantasy, that was performing. First, we went to Macaroni Grill for some dinner. Then we headed to the club, Forbidden City to see Fantasy perform. We saw them do two numbers... which was pretty good. The sound was really bad... lots of feedback... but Ryan's song he wrote and produced was awesome! We then saw another group, a woman rapper. She was pretty good too but again, the sound sucked ass. We had enough of that place and decided to head over to another party. That party didn't seem like the best place to be so we went to another party. Seriously. It was an interesting evening. I had a good time though. It kept my mind busy.
I've been having a really hard time today. My stomach has been a big ole mess (and no, it isn't from drinking too much yesterday. I only had two drinks all night!). I have been soooo depressed. I keep trying to think positively but it just isn't helping. I've felt really anxious all day too. I don't think I'm comfortable with being alone yet. It's a different feeling. Sucks....
My friend Jeffrey is in town from New York this week. I met him and his girlfriend tonight at The Standard in downtown LA. I was so stoked to get out of my pajamas and hang out. I had been in my pajamas since 1:00 this afternoon.... unpacking more boxes.... sleeping.... and watching crappy tv. Boring! I'm glad they called and wanted to hang out. I met them around 10. By midnight, my stomach was hurting so badly, I was almost bent over. I tried having a drink and some food but that seemed to make it worse. So, I left.
I'm sick of this. I'm tired of feeling sad. I hate feeling anxious. I remember feeling like this three years ago.... when you are ultra-aware of how you are feeling and breathing and every sound both outside and inside the body. And how you always feel like you should be doing something... not being able to just relax. I felt that way all day today. *sigh*
Hopefully the second day of this new year will be better than the first.