Illustration of Derek Powazek by Adam Ellis

10 Notes for the Paris hotel/casino in Las Vegas

  1. We really appreciated the attempted Parisian accent supplied by the counter staff, but for that real Paris feeling you should ask them to speak only French and act as if they’re doing the guests a favor by being there at all. We recommend hiring out of Los Angeles.
  2. The copious smoking among the guests of the hotel was a nice match with Paris, but your air purifiers are much too robust. Let the smoke really seep in. You should also consider just pumping it into the rooms.
  3. The guests we observed were wearing the requisite amount of perfume and cologne, but were completely underdressed and overweight. To really get that Parisian feeling, please be more choosy in your clientele.
  4. You should consider posting some backpackers around the edges of the casino, reeking of pot and asking for change. Bonus points for the “smelly backpacker” slot machine, in which, if you match three trash cans, you win a free dinner at another casino.
  5. Teach the fuckers in the restaurants how to make a decent espresso. Seriously.
  6. New riot-themed betting games would lend the casino a contemporary flair. Just a suggestion.
  7. The hotel rooms were much too big. Try cutting each room in half and making both rooms share the one existing bathroom.
  8. We know Vegas is a 24/7 kind of town, but for that real Paris feeling, consider shutting down the stores at odd hours. You wouldn’t want the consumers to think the stores were there for them.
  9. Sprinkle dog shit throughout the internal sidewalks. Don’t worry, someone else will pick it up.
  10. More escargot!

Vive la Paris!

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Hi, I’m Derek. I make awesome community-centric web stuff. I sometimes post things to Instagram. I’m mostly harmless. More.

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