In this series, I’m recounting work stories to learn from my mistakes. I call them Things I Learned the Hard Way.
Years ago, I was considering a job. I had a series of interviews with people at the company, and I noticed something peculiar. Without me asking, each of them offered me tips for how to get along with the boss. At the time, I thought they were just trying to be helpful, but I didn’t take them very seriously. After all, their issues wouldn’t necessarily be my issues.
But when people give you advice, they’re communicating something in between the lines. They’re telling you what their problems are. And their problems could be a preview of yours. The trick is to decode the meaning.
In an interview, when someone says, “there’s a lot of politics,” they mean “you can’t trust anyone.” When someone says, “people here are very dedicated,” they mean “we expect you to work 80 hours a week.” When someone says, “I just couldn’t be happier,” they mean “please take this job so I can quit.” (No one’s happiest at work. Ever.)
In this case, when several employees separately offered me advice about how to work with the boss, what they were really saying was, “the boss is hard to work with.” Or, more simply, “the boss is an asshole.” (I’ve already written about that.)
When someone offers you unsolicited advice, your first response may be to ignore it, because you didn’t ask for it. You might also be tempted to hear it as criticism. (“He suggested I stay calm. Do I not seem calm? I’m totally calm!”) Instead, try to see it as a whispered clue. Mentally rephrase it to be in the first-person. “You should try to be calm” becomes “I struggle to stay calm.”
You’ll be amazed at how much insight this simple trick can provide.
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What was the last bit of unsolicited advice you got? Tell us all about it.
Read more Things I Learned the Hard Way.
In this series, I’m recounting work stories to learn from my mistakes. I call them Things I Learned the Hard Way.
In the early nineties, I was a student at UC Santa Cruz. Here are three fun facts about the school back then.
This was back when “PC” stood for Political Correctness instead of John Hodgman. Many of the classes were about “owning your victimhood” and “discovering your inner bias” and something called “the history of consciousness.”
I loved UCSC. But it prepared me for the real world the way watching the Space Shuttle on TV prepares you to be a rocket scientist. I once turned in a “final” that consisted of me playing a song I wrote on my acoustic guitar. It was not a music class.
So when I graduated and moved to San Francisco to work my first fulltime job, I was not remotely prepared. Luckily, the job was as an HTML grunt for HotWired (a now defunct site, but then it was the highly influential online companion to Wired Magazine), and the rest of the staff was just as weird as I was.
There are many amazing stories from this time, but there’s one that stands out in my memory.
(Side Note: In many of these TILTHW stories, I’m leaving out the names of people and sites to protect the guilty, but in this case I’m naming names because it’s been too long for anyone to care, and I’m the asshole in this story, anyway.)
HotWired had an advice column called Ask Allison, written by Allison, who, if I remember correctly, had been a customer support person that started the column on the side (HotWired was full of stories like that).
One day we were having a big group meeting. I said something, and Allison said something snarky, and everyone laughed. I have no memory of what either of us said, but I remember how I felt: humiliated.
So, after the meeting, I approached Allison and asked if I could talk to her. “Sure,” she said.
My four years of Santa Cruz sensitivity training had led me to this.
“I just wanted to let you know, what you said in that meeting really hurt my feelings.”
She looked at me like I was speaking Portuguese. There was a very long pause.
“Sorry?” She said it like a question.
I slunk back to my desk, more humiliated than before.
It’s been over 13 years, but I still think about that moment when I’m tempted to start unloading my feelings to a colleague.
Being aware of your feelings is, indeed, a very good thing. Being able to express your feelings is also good, and a skill I wish more people had. But knowing when to keep them to yourself is even more important, and it was a skill I’d never learned. (And it took me many more awkward moments to learn it.)
It’s especially important for us creative types, because our work is all about feelings. The best designers are very in touch with their feelings, because they have to be. Design is all about intuiting how things will make people feel. But that also means we have to learn how to work in businesslike environments.
In my case, I was the new guy at the company, I’d just met Allison, and here I was laying my feelings out for her. She probably thought I was nuts. And for good reason. We had no relationship, no background. I hadn’t earned the right to ask her to care how I felt.
When you lay your feelings out to people, it can be cathartic for you, but it also places a weight on those around you. Learning when, where, and how, to talk to someone about your feelings is tricky. Sometimes it’s okay, and sometimes it’s not. But all I have to do is remember Allison’s blank stare, and the decision gets a lot easier.
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Have you unloaded in the workplace? Tell us all about it.
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In this series, I’m recounting work stories to learn from my mistakes. I call them Things I Learned the Hard Way.
Twelve years ago, I had just set out on my own as a freelance designer. I met a potential client in South Park. We sat down at a picnic bench with some sandwiches and he started talking about the project. Within minutes I just knew: the man was an asshole.
He talked with his mouth full. He made comments about women at nearby tables. When I tried to speak, he interrupted me. When it came to my (way below market value) hourly rate, he haggled.
I didn’t like him, but what did I know? Maybe this is just how the freelance web design business worked. I took the gig.
It was, of course, a nightmare. He belittled my work, but offered no guidance. He wanted more and more time, but wouldn’t pay for it. When I finally stopped working because of his outstanding bill, he called me irate in the middle of the night. I got a lawyer.
It took months but my lawyer finally got him to pay his bill. I took his money and used it to have the lawyer to write me a bulletproof contract. I’ve used it ever since.
This was my first real freelance web design gig, and probably my worst, but I learned a lot of valuable lessons from it. Always get some money up front. Always get a signed contract before you start working. Always get a clear picture of what the deliverables are. Always charge what you’re worth.
But the biggest lesson I learned? Don’t work for assholes.
Nine times out of ten, the first impression someone gives you is exactly who they are. We choose not to see it because we need the money, or we want the situation to be different. But if someone rubs you the wrong way at the first meeting, chances are, it’s only going to get worse.
Years later I met another potential client at a cafe. We did the usual getting-to-know-you chat in line. When it was our turn to order, she ordered something very complicated, and then sighed and rolled her eyes when the barista repeated it back to confirm. When her coffee came back wrong, she lashed out at the barista in a way that made me and everyone else in earshot wince.
I’d like to say I walked away from that interview right then and there. I didn’t. But I did decide at that moment to turn down the gig. Baby steps.
It can be very intimidating to turn down work, especially in these uncertain economic times. But the months I spent suffering that fool 12 years ago would have been better spent building my portfolio and hustling to find better clients. All the time you spend working for an asshole is time you’re not spending to find a gig that will, in the long run, pay you better, teach you more, and make you happier.
Nowadays, the only asshole I work for is me.
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