Illustration of Derek Powazek by Adam Ellis

All of This Has a Perfectly Reasonable Explanation, Part 1

I can explain. Please, let me explain.

First, you should know about the crazy detector. Riding public transportation in San Francisco teaches you things. It’s taught me not to fear my fellow man, no matter how much they smell like wet dog. It’s taught me that happy surprises can happen, like when the sign says the next N-Judah is in 19 minutes, and one magically shows up in five. But most of all, riding the trains has taught me how to detect crazy.

Detecting crazy is key. If your crazy detector is a little slow, you could wind up sitting next to a guy who smells of compost and wants to show you the things he’s found in his nose. I have seen little old ladies clip their toenails on public trains. I have seen men hit on women from across the car, gesticulating wildly with their beer.

Once, the guy next to me wanted to discuss each song that came up on my iPod. He put his head on my shoulder to see what was playing. And when I mimed to him, sorry, I can’t hear you because of the music, he said okay and spoke louder.

But I will give you the number one, most accurate, absolutely foolproof crazy detection technique of them all. Write this down, because it has never failed me yet. If you see someone wearing two pairs of glasses, on their head, at the same time, that person is a nutbag, guaranteed.

This is definitely true if they’re wearing two pairs of eyeglasses at the same time, but it can also go for someone with a pair on their face and another pair on their head. Trust me. Two pairs of glasses means total wacko crazypants.

Continued Tomorrow…

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Hi, I’m Derek. I used to make websites. Now I grow flowers and know things. I’m mostly harmless. More.