Wednesday, May 22, 2002

My brother is so freakin cool. Read this.
7:34 AM

Saturday, May 18, 2002

What a busy day! Work was crazy today. In a bit, I'm off to Claremont to have dinner with my mom and then I'm singing tonight with my old voice teacher at The Grove. That will be so much fun. I'm looking forward to seeing a bunch of people I haven't seen in years. Plus, my best friend, Erin Higgins is coming to watch! Yay! We haven't caught up since she did my make-up for my headshots. So, it'll be good to catch up with her. Tonight, I'm spending the night at my mom's and then having a BBQ tomorrow at my dad's house. Should be a good weekend.
3:51 PM

Thursday, May 16, 2002

Off to Claremont after work today to go to a rehearsal. This weekend, I am singing in a show that my old voice teacher, Jennifer Madsen, is doing. She just recorded a new cd and is touring to promote it. While she is in town, she thought it would be fun to have some of her original students come up on stage and sing. So..... we are having a rehearsal tonight to figure out what we're all doing. It will be at the same theatre that I did Joseph at so that should be fun. I've had a really long day but I'm looking forward to seeing her. I haven't seen her since mid college. Should be lots of fun!
3:31 PM

Happy Birthday to my big brother, DEREK!! I wish I could be there to give you a super duper hug. I hope you have an absolutely amazing day. I think the world of you and love you very much.

If you get a chance, send Derek a happy birthday message! I know it would make him smile!
8:15 AM

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Happy Birthday Barb! Today is my step-mom's birthday! and my friend up in Northern California, Damon's birthday.
Barb- I hope you are having a wonderful day. You totally deserve it. You are thee coolest step-mom and I am so grateful to have you in my life. I will see you this weekend! Love you.

Happy Birthday to Damon also! Damon is my friend from college who is living up in Northern California
Damon- YOU ROCK. I miss you tons and hope you are well. I am so sorry we haven't spoken in forever. I promise to be a better friend. I will talk to you very soon. In fact, I'm going to call yo' stinky ass tonight!
4:30 PM

Saturday, May 11, 2002

Here I am at work.....the system has been down all morning...since I got here two hours ago. So, I am just checking out my favorite sites and painting my toe nails! I love getting paid to do this.

The funny thing is, when I came in this morning, my entire desk area was covered with my picture. I left at 4:00 yesterday and apparently my team had time on their hands and were bored .... so they decorated my desk. Take a look at Jenny Warhol. It is too funny!
8:46 AM

Friday, May 10, 2002

All is good here..... going home soon. I am so thankful that my body clock woke me up this morning. I fell asleep at 9:45 last night and forgot to set my alarm. I usually wake up (with alarm) at 5:45 or 6:00 am....depending on what I need to do in the morning. Without my alarm this morning, I woke up and looked at the clock at 6:19! Yikes. I hopped out of bed, threw on some jeans and a hat, and took off for work at 6:30. Craziness.

Tonight.... doing laundry. Erin is in Arizona for the weekend. :( so..... I'm all by my lonesome tonight. Not to worry.... I'm off to Oceanside to spend my days off with Jon tomorrow after work! YAY.
3:35 PM

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JON! I wish I could be with you today. We'll spend this weekend together though which will be LOTS of fun. I have something cool planned. You are so special to me, honey. I love you and I hope you have an absolutely amazing day.

I left work yesterday at 11:00 to go home and spent most of the day in bed. Horrible pains. I'm feeling a little bit better today and am back at work. I would love to be at home today too. Oh well.... must get back to work. I have NO energy.
8:32 AM

Tuesday, May 07, 2002

Not feeling so good.....may go home early.
8:38 AM

Saturday, May 04, 2002

A day late, but..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEELIO! I know I called to tell you yesterday but I forgot to post it. I hope your benefit went well in San Diego last night! I love ya to death and really miss laughing with you. Hopefully we can get together soon. And if you are in the San Diego area, go see Pageant! My friend Pedro (aka Deelio) is in it and I'm sure is fierce.
10:35 AM

All is good...... I talked to my mom for a long time. I think we just needed to get some stuff off of both of our chests to feel better.

So, here I am at work today...... and the system is down...so I can't do anything but check my e-mail and shop online! Not so bad. This weekend, Jon and I are participating in this marketing thing. You basically watch a new pilot and critique it and get paid $60 to do it. Sounds good to me. We are doing that Sunday morning and then I'm having a few people over Sunday afternoon/evening for Cinco de Mayo. Should be a pretty good weekend.
7:39 AM

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

I know that imitation is the highest form of flattery but this is ridiculous. I don't mind airing my own personal dirty laundry on this site.... but I try to be cautious when talking about family members..... but I just need to get this off of my chest. I apologize if I hurt anyone's feelings by writing this. You don't have to read it if you don't want to.

I didn't mind when she started taking tap classes. I thought it was kind of funny. It didn't impose on my own individuality. I still felt separate. I even didn't mind when she showed up at dinner once with her hair done exactly the same as mine....flipped up. I thought it was lame but it didn't hurt my feelings. I also didn't mind when she started wearing the same jeans that I do from the GAP. Whatever.... I thought my mom's style was improving and she was becoming more hip. Not a big deal.

But when she started talking about getting a RAV4, I told her how I would feel. I told her I would be upset.... I told her to look at Toyota Corolla's or Honda CRV's or other types of SUV's. I even asked why she'd want an SUV.... with her bad back, you'd think getting in and out of a tall vehicle would be difficult. Either way, I told her I would be really hurt if she bought a RAV4.

Is that selfish of me? Am I just being a baby about it? I know if one of my friends got the same car I got, I would be stoked. But this is my Mom.... it's different. This is my first car that I bought.....myself....with MY money. It is a HUGE deal to me. It is a way I am identifying my individuality, my success, my accomplishments. And she shows up at dinner on Friday in a brand new RAV4 exactly like mine except hers is green. My heart fell into my stomach. I didn't understand how she could do something that she knew would hurt my feelings and take away so much from me that I've worked incredibly hard to get. It didn't matter to her at all. In fact, I think she thought it was funny. I think she got a kick out of showing off her prize. She was smiling huge like a little girl that brought home an A on her first report card.

I stood there.... crumbled......hurt......dissappointed.

I stood there with a folder of my accomplishments from work that I wanted to share with her but never got the chance to.

I sat there through dinner with Erin.... holding in my tears....making small talk......feeling so small. It sucked.

I couldn't wait to get out of there and just break down. For the first time, I didn't want to be her "friend".... I wanted to feel separate. I wanted her to be the adult and me to be the child. For her to admit that she is still proud of me but really liked the car or some conversation that would make me feel better. Some admittance that she knew it would upset me but ......I don't know....give some excuse as to why she did it. But that conversation never took place.

I never wanted the mother/daughter matching outfits.......no, I didn't want to be a team. I wanted to be my own person independent from my parents. I wanted to be unique and different.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I being selfish? Should I be calling her and congratulating her on her new car? Of course she is an adult...she pays her own bills... she works hard....she can do whatever she wants to do. I understand that. I am not begrudging her a chance to have a new car or be happy at all. I just don't understand why it had to be two months after I got mine and why she had never wanted this car previously..... and more importantly, why she KNEW it would hurt my feelings and she went and did it anyway and then shoved it in my face.....like "ha ha .... look what I did!" Like she was looking for some kind of reaction or acceptance from me. That is unfair.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this. I know we need to have some dialogue but I am still too bothered by it to talk yet. I am sure it will resolve itself soon. Just another part of growing up...... cutting the ties.
10:02 AM